Skypescraper

Skype, how fun. Allowing the family an opportunity to gather around a time delayed computer and listen to a conversation filled with delays in sentence formation and delays in comprehension. Yet, there is something exciting about the international connection with baby daddy, a handsome man who has my love and my endorsement but whom the parents’ve never met. Everyone put on your positive face and hold back in the name of civility! Lets go!
Ok I did. I had a go: 30 minutes into the conversation, my folks thought I had taken my face off in the other room to reveal a temperamental monster, an argumentative control freak. Not so 'civil.'
It’s true. I am a little emotional these days.

The distance and the unknown are driving me crazy.


Its true, I feel actually crazy right now.
Like I cannot turn off my mind and I cannot come to my senses. What does one do in this situation? Oh, there are many options.
Swimming in the cold Pacific Ocean- Was good, but surprisingly didn’t solve my situation. Talk to friends and family? Sometimes talking isn’t venting, it just makes me come up feeling exposed and incurable.
But, taking a passionate tone with Tino, now that felt good.
It is hard for me to take a sexy tone with him, I just wasn’t cut out for phone sex. Or maybe its just what I should try, but not with the folks in the next room, whispering about my tone.
So passion becomes a temper, drivenbyallthefrustrationofbeingaloneandfiguringoutpastpresentandfutureandtryingtodoitbyadeadline,andyouaresoinnocenttoallofit,anditjustmakesmewanttowringyourneck,and AAAAHHHH!
Release.
But mama said, and the Dalai Lama said, momentary satisfaction is not a good indicator of having done the right thing.
I used that Swahili tone that I promised myself, as I learned the language I would never use. It is the patronizing tone of a teacher to a student, or a government official to a peasant. It is a tone that you hear so often. It is a tone that I found myself using with my future husband, as I insisted that paying for Saidi to go boarding school was not something I considered logical.
I don’t want to set up a relationship that leads to me, LITTLE OLD ME, becoming a matriarchal controlling bitch.
Just to let you all know.
But Tino said, no problem, we love each other. He didn’t even notice that I was getting upset.
Is that a good match or a potential problem?
I guess everything can be characterized as such.

So my conversation gave me release, but not so much relief.

I still had the craziness.