When I look back on many aspects of this situation, one thing is for sure, I felt that whatever happened, things would work out, and we would all be, not just ok, but all the better for it.
I have laughed and cried a lot in the past couple of weeks.
Mostly I have cried.
The scariest part, I have started to cry alone.
Little by little, tidbits of information are being revealed. Little by little, I am becoming weakened.
Awhile back I thought about putting a poll on my blog.
To stay in the States or to go back to Tanzania to have my baby?
Then I dropped it.
Here I have health coverage of sorts. The US Department of Labor is covering my birth, (pregnancy in the Peace Corps was finally filed as a workers comp case.)
After that, I can sign onto Healthy Families, children's insurance for families below the poverty line, meaning the baby would have pediatric care until Tino gets here, and I can begin to work.
Until then, I use my time to clear my teaching credential, and get hired in September.
Even if he can't get here until then, I had reached a point emotionally where this was all part of our international struggle, and in the arms of family and friends, I would have a baby, nurse an infant, and try to be outdoors, active and happy as much as possible.
Splendid. In the meantime, I try to get over having taken so long to fruitlessly and fearfully investigate another means to get Tino here faster. The lawyer had said my best option was a fiancee visa, and it was impossible to say how long that would take.
So I processed it. I paid $455 to the Department of Homeland Security. A month passed with no check cashed, no news whatsoever. I began researching a student visa. Aha! It looks like it will be a cinch to get him accepted to the local Junior College, no he doesn't have to have his TOFEL after all, and with a little rearranging of parental bank accounts, we can make it look like there is plenty of money set aside for our Tanzanian friend Tino to come to the CA to stay with us and get a degree in nursing. No problem! The first year, at a JC, will simply be around $16,000. (!) I called the school and the DHS, and everyone said that he would probably be here before February. Great! Then I am thinking, I should cancel the fiancee visa petition, so that this case is tossed in the trash, I don't have to pay $455, and we don't present a conflicting story to our beloved protectors of Homeland Security.
Nope, the check was cashed the next day. But my case still rests with no accessibility to its status nor to those who will be deciding.
So, not only did I learn that, yes, I could have gotten him here faster and cheaper, and he would have been able to start school right away, but now that I am processing an immigrant visa and asked a bunch of questions, I am afraid to try my luck on a non immigrant visa. If I get caught processing both, that will be the end of... both.
Tino can come here quickly if he is a student and school is starting. DHS simply needs to be assured that he has financial support and that he will be going home once he is done (non immigrant.)
However, because our intention is marriage, we not only need to prove our love, but we need to prove financial stability again (here, not so easy, because I need to have an income, and signing up for welfare programs that leaches off the state, like Healthy Families is a mark against us.) One way to prove our dedication is to take a really really long time processing the visa. Sometimes, a premium processing time is allotted to those applicants who are in a life or death situation. Strangely, birth does not qualify here, not the fact that, were he to get here earlier, I could work earlier, and therefore, leach off the state less. Instead of a pro-family and economically more feasible solution to expedite his visa, they see that Tino would be coming here as another immigrant, possibly financially instable, and as we all know, we have got enough of THOSE here!
So, I am back to square one I suppose. Except the guy on the phone told me one YEAR is the likely processing time I am looking at.
Back to square one, but everyday, a little more defeated than yesterday. Now I know, once again, that I COULD have and SHOULD have done things differently, and that Tino might just be here far after my longest estimated time.
So today I cried as I served up the sweet potato gnocchi with pesto sauce tonight. I could barely stand all day I felt physically ill.
Luckily, I guess, I got a letter today as well that approved my pregnancy as a workers compensation case, and I get to make an other clinic appointment tomorrow.
If I hadn't heard that news, I probably would have been using this time to research plane tickets. LAX to DAR.
I still think I will stay, do what I can to take some classes I will eventually need for a clear credential. Try to stay happy and healthy, and have my baby here.
Six weeks after the birth, a passport will have been issued to my infant, and by seemingly by all my research, we will be ready to travel together. So if Tino is not here by then, I think that will be the best decision for us. To go.
Although, half of me wants to go now.
I am no more afraid to have my baby here than there.
I am just too defeated to have any real opinions on the matter anyway.
And I don't trust myself.
