Where I'm comin' from, to know where I'm going?

There are so many strange things afoot in the world. The truth is, life is perfect. But at the same time, I don't feel at peace, and am having trouble tolerating the soreness from a baby kicking and growing in my belly and have two and a half months to go!

Perhaps I feel strange because so much is pie in the sky, because best friends are new friends, the things I believe in sometimes seem so contradictory to the way the world runs, because I need a consistent schedule... I am not sure.

Vision boards. Sasha and I are determined to manifest our visions and begin with a day of vision boards. We've already begun. She has manifested the rustic playhouse and country living, I, after the country cottage, the community (Sasha, Luca, the Hardings and surrounded by old friends), and now flooring, a greenhouse, french doors, baby goat on the way, glorious garden to follow (but notice, all of this is in the future tense.)

I need to begin to focus on what I have.

That is what is getting me. The lack of meditation. The lack of serenity. It feels like absolutely everything is a reach for something that is not here yet, and it is destabilizing to be sure.

The MESA income, the CISA program.

The graduation, the dream career. The fellowship, the trip to Tanzania, the trip to the snow, the trip to Mexico, plans for friends/family to visit, the grants, the curriculum, the brochure to advertise the program! Phew! It all feels, not in my hands!

HEALTHY BABY.

I still fear the baby will be born cyclops, or flipper. I guess I remember sort of joking about that with Amani, but really, I don't take for granted that I will have a healthy, perfect baby again. Quite the contrary to the point where it might just be getting in the way. It is so hard to connect to this baby: no time, no stuff, trying to make sure Amani doesn't loose his place, no gender knowledge, fear of fever, age, diet, medicines, or luck affecting the little one.

I've spent about six weeks quite ill this winter, and the sun is finally coming out.

Amani's birthday Friday was perfection, thanks to the impromptu willingness of Sasha and Luca to hike with us, and the fantastic performance of Hillcrest students doing Beauty and the Beast.

Saturday was insanity and I was glad for it all to end at Chuck E. Cheese.

Sunday was a gorgeous day of going to Petaluma in the morning and picking up lovely flooring for the house and hopefully the play room for $50. Then breakfast at the Tea Room with Sasha and Luca. It was sweet! Austin's party was great, the kids in a good mood, teachers and students were great today, "That was the best Spanish class ever!" Personal connections on the computers again, love that, miss that. Keri is such a great principal to me, so exactly what I like to work with, professional, energetic, positive. Could I keep the job and go to TZ? Could I work part time or full? Could I teach there while staying on as teacher and grant writer at MESA, making money?
This would be great for a year while the baby is small.

Tino works on the farm, and interns as a phlebotomist, eventually landing a job as such.

The future doesn't sound bleak. At this point in time, I just want to be able to afford to go to the dentist, and have health care when needed, to be able to contribute in a meaningful way to the things I love, maintaining and building strong connections, and growing and expanding the ability to educate farmers and communities on ecological living nationally and internationally.

Got to get that brochure!

Got to stop. meditate.