There are so many strange things afoot in the world. The truth is, life is perfect. But at the same time, I don't feel at peace, and am having trouble tolerating the soreness from a baby kicking and growing in my belly and have two and a half months to go!
Perhaps I feel strange because so much is pie in the sky, because best friends are new friends, the things I believe in sometimes seem so contradictory to the way the world runs, because I need a consistent schedule... I am not sure.
Vision boards. Sasha and I are determined to manifest our visions and begin with a day of vision boards. We've already begun. She has manifested the rustic playhouse and country living, I, after the country cottage, the community (Sasha, Luca, the Hardings and surrounded by old friends), and now flooring, a greenhouse, french doors, baby goat on the way, glorious garden to follow (but notice, all of this is in the future tense.)
I need to begin to focus on what I have.
That is what is getting me. The lack of meditation. The lack of serenity. It feels like absolutely everything is a reach for something that is not here yet, and it is destabilizing to be sure.
The MESA income, the CISA program.
The graduation, the dream career. The fellowship, the trip to Tanzania, the trip to the snow, the trip to Mexico, plans for friends/family to visit, the grants, the curriculum, the brochure to advertise the program! Phew! It all feels, not in my hands!
HEALTHY BABY.
I still fear the baby will be born cyclops, or flipper. I guess I remember sort of joking about that with Amani, but really, I don't take for granted that I will have a healthy, perfect baby again. Quite the contrary to the point where it might just be getting in the way. It is so hard to connect to this baby: no time, no stuff, trying to make sure Amani doesn't loose his place, no gender knowledge, fear of fever, age, diet, medicines, or luck affecting the little one.
I've spent about six weeks quite ill this winter, and the sun is finally coming out.
Amani's birthday Friday was perfection, thanks to the impromptu willingness of Sasha and Luca to hike with us, and the fantastic performance of Hillcrest students doing Beauty and the Beast.
Saturday was insanity and I was glad for it all to end at Chuck E. Cheese.
Sunday was a gorgeous day of going to Petaluma in the morning and picking up lovely flooring for the house and hopefully the play room for $50. Then breakfast at the Tea Room with Sasha and Luca. It was sweet! Austin's party was great, the kids in a good mood, teachers and students were great today, "That was the best Spanish class ever!" Personal connections on the computers again, love that, miss that. Keri is such a great principal to me, so exactly what I like to work with, professional, energetic, positive. Could I keep the job and go to TZ? Could I work part time or full? Could I teach there while staying on as teacher and grant writer at MESA, making money?
This would be great for a year while the baby is small.
Tino works on the farm, and interns as a phlebotomist, eventually landing a job as such.
The future doesn't sound bleak. At this point in time, I just want to be able to afford to go to the dentist, and have health care when needed, to be able to contribute in a meaningful way to the things I love, maintaining and building strong connections, and growing and expanding the ability to educate farmers and communities on ecological living nationally and internationally.
Got to get that brochure!
Got to stop. meditate.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Rosemary for Remembrance, Dragonflies, Hawks and Sunflowers.
Whatta day! This morning I woke up, got Amani ready to go to gymnastics with Luca and Sasha, double checked on the time for Morgan's memorial, and remembered it was Tino and my anniversary.
While Tino is always the one to ensure that my shoes are polished and clothes are pressed before we head out the door, he has been so busy studying, I had to beg him first to go to the memorial with me, then inform him that his work uniform was not appropriate. We are paying respects, look respectable, quite simply.
Morgan. How many tears I cried, and how close to you and all who love you I feel! Thank you thank you for giving me that closeness and that love. I've been overwhelmed, under the weather, feeling like I was losing touch, not reaching out to the things and the ones who made me... It felt very good to go to the memorial. It felt very good to see how many people feel exactly the same way. It felt very good, reiterating with them how Morgan could not possibly be forgotten, some of the very brightest that shines through me comes directly from her. What an angel, what a woman to know. How blessed I feel to have been seen and touched by her. With my stuffy nose, I went through a box of tissues on my own, crying until I was puffy faced. Then was able to see Jimmy, Mike and Kelly, and also Guy, and exchange good hugs, good love, good penetrating looks, and good words. It made me feel more connected. Then the hawk spirit sent all of the people I had been thinking of to our doorstep today, just about, and it was a fantastic day of impromptu visits and simple goodness.
Amani, Luca and I went to Oliver's to pick Tino up, and the cruised around Oliver's excitedly putting things in their cart. But under control, happily, choosing fruits, sweet potatoes, juice, milk, syrup for tomorrow's pancakes. It was fun. Then we all held hands and walked in the big drizzle drops through the wet, lamplit parking lot to the Chinese restaurant, and ate and ate and ate.
The entire time, I kept thinking back to Morgan, in that each shot of her, there is a special glow. That special glow that makes each moment flawless. That turns off the fluorescent lights of the restaurant, takes the stains off the floor, makes the lanterns glow red, with fireflies dancing and perfectly warm, delicious food. Obviously it wasn't like that, but I felt like it was. Playing house with Tino, while Luca and Amani practiced playing. We had a great time. I feel so completely blessed.
There are so many things we forget, and time does fly. I might enjoy my work, but don't want to forget why I am doing it, my other obligations, other talents, and other needs.
Overall, I feel in perfect gratitude.
And there is every reason in the world, to keep journaling, about the development of this baby, and of life. It makes it last longer.
While Tino is always the one to ensure that my shoes are polished and clothes are pressed before we head out the door, he has been so busy studying, I had to beg him first to go to the memorial with me, then inform him that his work uniform was not appropriate. We are paying respects, look respectable, quite simply.
Morgan. How many tears I cried, and how close to you and all who love you I feel! Thank you thank you for giving me that closeness and that love. I've been overwhelmed, under the weather, feeling like I was losing touch, not reaching out to the things and the ones who made me... It felt very good to go to the memorial. It felt very good to see how many people feel exactly the same way. It felt very good, reiterating with them how Morgan could not possibly be forgotten, some of the very brightest that shines through me comes directly from her. What an angel, what a woman to know. How blessed I feel to have been seen and touched by her. With my stuffy nose, I went through a box of tissues on my own, crying until I was puffy faced. Then was able to see Jimmy, Mike and Kelly, and also Guy, and exchange good hugs, good love, good penetrating looks, and good words. It made me feel more connected. Then the hawk spirit sent all of the people I had been thinking of to our doorstep today, just about, and it was a fantastic day of impromptu visits and simple goodness.
Amani, Luca and I went to Oliver's to pick Tino up, and the cruised around Oliver's excitedly putting things in their cart. But under control, happily, choosing fruits, sweet potatoes, juice, milk, syrup for tomorrow's pancakes. It was fun. Then we all held hands and walked in the big drizzle drops through the wet, lamplit parking lot to the Chinese restaurant, and ate and ate and ate.
The entire time, I kept thinking back to Morgan, in that each shot of her, there is a special glow. That special glow that makes each moment flawless. That turns off the fluorescent lights of the restaurant, takes the stains off the floor, makes the lanterns glow red, with fireflies dancing and perfectly warm, delicious food. Obviously it wasn't like that, but I felt like it was. Playing house with Tino, while Luca and Amani practiced playing. We had a great time. I feel so completely blessed.
There are so many things we forget, and time does fly. I might enjoy my work, but don't want to forget why I am doing it, my other obligations, other talents, and other needs.
Overall, I feel in perfect gratitude.
And there is every reason in the world, to keep journaling, about the development of this baby, and of life. It makes it last longer.
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