Oh, let me say it again! Thank god for friends and family. Tonight I specifically thank my mom, and the cool girl in my Biology class whose daughter is named Elia. Sometimes, I just need to break. To fall apart. Yet the fear of doing so was making it all so much worse.
Today the mountain seemed less like we are climbing Kilimanjaro, and more like a brick wall that I am slamming my head on. Today was sweltering hot as we buzzed around in the car, trying to get things done, but failing. It felt a lot like my mental state, pressurized heat, desperately trying come up with ideas to figure things out and getting nowhere. In my low state, I get tired of calling all the shots for the little family unit, and I doubt my abilities to do so.
It is late, my only hour for blogging, or for much of any computer work, although I feel like I am on this thing all the time- too much!! trying to make some headway.
Let's see, what is silly me up to that keeps me away from myspicemountain? Elias sleeps so well, I feel obliged to be sleep deprived like other mums, and so I stay up late studying Biology, or French, researching business plans, and looking for a job.
Tonight was Biology class. Yes, two weeks before Elias was born, I started the semester at the local JC doing basic bio and I am proud to say, birth and baby aside, I am top of the class. There are far less Spanish teacher positions than Science teacher, so I figured the course would not only prepare me for the test to certify me in science, but its also a prerequisite for other science classes (which are prerequisites to a FNP program... who knows?!) Then I found that schools often want a Spanish teacher that can teach French as well, so there's that, then starting a zero emissions yard maintenance biz, Tino wants to do tourism in TZ, I've wanna increase massage business, and find a teaching job for Sept. 2008. That and work, Tino learn English, prepare for assessment tests, change status with the Dept of Homeland Stupidity...
But its not the tasks that disrupt my peace of mind, but the guilt of feeling like, at 32, with all the opportunities I've had in life, I should have set myself up to be financially stable, and a million more 'should haves.' These tasks that take up my to do list are peanuts compared to what we will be taking on once I begin full time work and Tino full time school.
The real stupidity however is how all of this sounds. It takes up one boring paragraph in a blog, but has commanded far too much mind space.
So my goal, as always the goal is to be in the present moment as much as possible, playing and enjoying and connecting, while still managing to set aside smart time to accomplish my tasks, instead of time worrying about them. We'll see how that goes, on alisonisabsorbedwithherself.blogspot.com
