Journaling

Once upon a time, my nights were empty, long, insomniac nights. Ironically, now that the baby is here, my nights are filled...with...SLEEP! My bed is also filled, and so is my little heart, and these small details, along with Elias's insanely grown up sleep pattern must be why.
However, it seems that in my experiment with journaling, I became a bit addicted. I expected to be chronicling our son's milestones online, which is a good intention, but I also miss the downright self absorption that is what an online diary is all about.

The days time is absorbed by a painfully boring to do list of phone calls, forms, letters, to slowly slowly cut away at red tape. Already time consuming as I wait on hold, get improperly filled out forms back, etc. All this continuously interupted with diapers, nursing, rocking, the tasks that already took me a long time take even longer. I am still totally not over the joy of changing diapers and being consumed by a new baby.
Sometimes I feel that my position is miraculous, every detail a stroke of divinity.
Othertimes I feel that I am somehow working on borrowed time, borrowed luck.
How could I have so much good and keep getting more? I have put to much trust in 'the universe', I didn't do enough to prepare, sooner or later my luck will catch up with us and we will be screwed.
These are good thoughts and they encourage me to try even harder.
Of course, it is not always this way,
and though they may be fragments of various dreams that have flittered through my mind, sometimes I see signs that show me that, everything is, in fact, divine.