Things Fall Apart (so what?)

Oh, let me say it again! Thank god for friends and family. Tonight I specifically thank my mom, and the cool girl in my Biology class whose daughter is named Elia. Sometimes, I just need to break. To fall apart. Yet the fear of doing so was making it all so much worse.
Today the mountain seemed less like we are climbing Kilimanjaro, and more like a brick wall that I am slamming my head on. Today was sweltering hot as we buzzed around in the car, trying to get things done, but failing. It felt a lot like my mental state, pressurized heat, desperately trying come up with ideas to figure things out and getting nowhere. In my low state, I get tired of calling all the shots for the little family unit, and I doubt my abilities to do so.
It is late, my only hour for blogging, or for much of any computer work, although I feel like I am on this thing all the time- too much!! trying to make some headway.
Let's see, what is silly me up to that keeps me away from myspicemountain? Elias sleeps so well, I feel obliged to be sleep deprived like other mums, and so I stay up late studying Biology, or French, researching business plans, and looking for a job.
Tonight was Biology class. Yes, two weeks before Elias was born, I started the semester at the local JC doing basic bio and I am proud to say, birth and baby aside, I am top of the class. There are far less Spanish teacher positions than Science teacher, so I figured the course would not only prepare me for the test to certify me in science, but its also a prerequisite for other science classes (which are prerequisites to a FNP program... who knows?!) Then I found that schools often want a Spanish teacher that can teach French as well, so there's that, then starting a zero emissions yard maintenance biz, Tino wants to do tourism in TZ, I've wanna increase massage business, and find a teaching job for Sept. 2008. That and work, Tino learn English, prepare for assessment tests, change status with the Dept of Homeland Stupidity...

But its not the tasks that disrupt my peace of mind, but the guilt of feeling like, at 32, with all the opportunities I've had in life, I should have set myself up to be financially stable, and a million more 'should haves.' These tasks that take up my to do list are peanuts compared to what we will be taking on once I begin full time work and Tino full time school.
The real stupidity however is how all of this sounds. It takes up one boring paragraph in a blog, but has commanded far too much mind space.
So my goal, as always the goal is to be in the present moment as much as possible, playing and enjoying and connecting, while still managing to set aside smart time to accomplish my tasks, instead of time worrying about them. We'll see how that goes, on alisonisabsorbedwithherself.blogspot.com

Journaling

Once upon a time, my nights were empty, long, insomniac nights. Ironically, now that the baby is here, my nights are filled...with...SLEEP! My bed is also filled, and so is my little heart, and these small details, along with Elias's insanely grown up sleep pattern must be why.
However, it seems that in my experiment with journaling, I became a bit addicted. I expected to be chronicling our son's milestones online, which is a good intention, but I also miss the downright self absorption that is what an online diary is all about.

The days time is absorbed by a painfully boring to do list of phone calls, forms, letters, to slowly slowly cut away at red tape. Already time consuming as I wait on hold, get improperly filled out forms back, etc. All this continuously interupted with diapers, nursing, rocking, the tasks that already took me a long time take even longer. I am still totally not over the joy of changing diapers and being consumed by a new baby.
Sometimes I feel that my position is miraculous, every detail a stroke of divinity.
Othertimes I feel that I am somehow working on borrowed time, borrowed luck.
How could I have so much good and keep getting more? I have put to much trust in 'the universe', I didn't do enough to prepare, sooner or later my luck will catch up with us and we will be screwed.
These are good thoughts and they encourage me to try even harder.
Of course, it is not always this way,
and though they may be fragments of various dreams that have flittered through my mind, sometimes I see signs that show me that, everything is, in fact, divine.

Beautiful, beautiful boy

Everyday you are a song, usually a Beatles song, but always its always a song to see you. I am thrilled to watch you grow, and enjoy every moment, every challenge, every joy. While at the same time, I get tearful that I can't keep you this size for longer, perhaps forever.

Elias, 5 weeks old.

Chuchu

Look at me. This is all I do. I am a perfect angel and my mommy has no excuse not to have posted all these adorable pictures of me before now! Shame on her!
She says that now that picture posting is easy, and she can be SHAMELESSLY liberal about posting ALL the cute ones, beware: she is also about to get shamelessly raw about her nipples, married life, and other observations and torments of life.

Thanks for staying tuned.

ps-chewchew is what I do all day on my mama's nipples. That must be why they call 'em "chuchu" in swahili.

Elias Easter Sunday, 12 days old.

The apology for 3 1/2 weeks of silence.

So many minutes, days and weeks have gone unrecorded. I tick things off in my mind-'Must write that down later,' yet here I am, grasping for the time to keep up with my formerly disciplined journaling sessions. Now that all the real juicy stuff is coming to head. (sorry for the zit imagery)
Elias is starting to get cuter and cuter, and somehow, deeper and deeper into my heart. It may be directly related to the fact that in the past two days, he has been playful and smiling in the morning (only three and half weeks old!) doing baby yoga with me and delighting in kisses and massage. That and he is no longer snapping at my nipples, and I am starting to feel a good sensation when he latches on and breast feeds, that and I am learning how to breastfeed and do other things at the same time. Which is highly satisfying considering he likes to suck away for hours on end. Another boob guy.
As for Tino, there are so many ways that I have fallen in love with him all over again, there are so many cute stories of a Tanzanian experiencing America for the first time, and plenty of stories of shock and frustration as well.
Then there is the ghastly list of accomplishments that we have risen two in the newborn days. It is all fun, and I don't actually feel over worked and over tired, though sometimes frustrated and wanting my nipples back. I am proud and excited about the challenges we are meeting together, but my mind still drifts to wonder, what would it be like to be following the Tanzanian tradition of staying at home for 3 months with my mother in law cooking bananas and coconut stew for me everyday.
Let us simply say that I hope to record as much as possible. Posterity can be ignored or deleted if need be, but in the meantime, for the sake of my family, I will be frequently posting.