Valentine's Day

When I found out that Tino's visa would be "expedited" I started getting hopeful that he might even be here today. But, another day has passed alone of seeing beautiful things: women walking in tall 'Valentine's Day" heels, arm and arm with boyfriends, taking them out to one of the many Claremont restaurants, couples making out in cars, pretty clouds through an evening window, and the gluttonous amount of pink and red foo-foo and sugar.
And "Paris J'taime." A gem of a movie, je pense.
But it is never alone. He is with me with every thought, and Elias is with me with every rush of sugar that makes him start to wiggle and squirm. (Thats right, I am no purist. Bah!)
Lately, as I so quickly find myself a rock of positivity, or banging my head on the door and wailing franticly (truly.)
I wonder to myself, am I weak or strong?
I am weak when I am weak, and I try my hardest to come back to strong.
But what is weak and what is strong?
Honestly, I have pretty clearly identified for myself the difference:
Weak is when I am squirming under my skin to be somewhere I am not.
I am filled with desperation and doubt. I question why, WHY AM I HERE?!!! Why not there, with him, to patiently go through the waiting process, rather than all the anxiety, to have eyes watching our baby grow inside of me, eyes that are just as thrilled as mine, hands to feel him move, a beautiful voice to sing him lullabies, and lips to kiss his little feet when they dance around. I look up plane tickets online, and think, it is not too late, I will lie to the airports, tell them I am only 7 months, jump on a plane, give birth in some Moshi hospital. I am the healthiest pregnant woman I know, be darned! We will visit with his family, and fly back with together, side by side, baby in arms. We should be together the first time he boards a plane and flies half-way across the planet! I should be there to see my friends who united in Zanzibar, I should be swimming in the Indian Ocean, and walking through the banana trees.
I can romanticize this over and over, and as a friend of mine tells me, I can have another child there. Thats one way to try to calm down.
But regret. Regret and longing for what is not, and what can no longer be, are WEAK.
I am strong when I know that to love is to hurt. To be an adult is to make decisions and make the best of them. It is to have faith that no matter what happens
(like, WILL Bush delay his trip a week later in order to fight Congress for his right to tap our wires, further delaying operations at the US Embassy in Tanzania, where he is expected, and thus further delaying Tino's arrival? Pest!!)
it will work out. No matter what happens, if I am present, here, where I am, making the most of it, there will be RESULTS. I was tempted to say "MAGIC," and I don't know if either word is correct. Where there is presence of body and mind, there is LIFE.
For instance, I have a class tomorrow morning on African History. It is a Friday morning, and lucky for us, both my dad and step-mom who went to visit Tanzania have the time and interest to drive here and attend the class with me.
It is a great opportunity to be with them, one of my BIG GOALS of being here, and as we become used to seeing each other (since I've lived far away for 13 years), and used to the idea of my motherhood (it was a surprise, to say the least!) my charmed life becomes more real. The class is filled with a crowd of retired Claremonters (self proclaimed Claremontsers) who are mostly ex-missionary liberals. Great combo, I say.
I have certain fantasies regarding my life here. We are in the hub of a several well-reputed universities, and living alongside a great many older citizens like those I described earlier. We are in the throws of a sensationalized presidential race, which is in danger of losing any and all substance, if it hasn't already, and there seems to be (as usual) a lot of confusion in the sound bytes that are picked up about the candidates. What will happen between McCain, Clinton and Obama? Can we take California's history as a democratic state for granted? Why do we keep drawing these Conservative/Liberal GOP/Democrat lines anyway, and who can accurately describe McCain's positions and how does he really stand up to Reagan, and for that matter to Clinton, or to Obama who is trying to be electable to republicans?
Can we bring together people in this community across generations and across political parties to discuss these issues? Can we host debates/forums where we can intelligently and fearlessly discuss the issues? (Without the American tendency to remain too PC, or to be defensive/offensive?)
How about all the people around here who are stuck in Condos? All the pavement, and lack of outdoor time? Can we take a lot, maybe one of the many retired quarries, and build a community garden space? Or a school garden?
I think so, and these are things that I CAN try to do.
In fact, I can also further study Trigger Point therapy for pain relief (my Clinic is going to put a big add in the Yellow Pages for my practice,) I can acquire and utilize essential oils for my baby and the household, I can take a watercolor course, I can join a runners group, I can go sailing with my brother-in-law,
I can be the change I wish to see in the world,
while I wait.
To be a wife and a mother.