Personal journal entry on insecurity/plans

I spent an entire day yesterday longing for the past few months of my life to have been in Tanzania rather than here. Oh, it was so hard to get over. It was beautiful weather, I spent the day shopping at an outdoor mall, that I am sure Tino will go ga-ga over when he gets here. Strollers were everywhere, carrying babies, multiples, and even small dogs. None of it made me ga-ga.
I wasn't shocked at all the consumerism when I got here. I knew it was here, and it has only grown, in spite of the downturn of the economy and obscene amount of money going towards war instead of building communities.
Many of my friends in Tanzania, good people trying to make it work with their families, spent large amounts of time apart, sacrificing the joys of togetherness for the hope of a financially secure future. In some cases, it might be a sad additional contributer to the spread of HIV (separated families.)
I continue to think of what the best choices are for my personal adventure in life, including enough time to love and cuddle with baby and husband, enough time to enjoy laughs with friends and family, enough time to breathe fresh air, and to improve the lives of those I love and those in my community.
Wishing things were different is a natural phenomenon of life, but I've been feeling so grounded and so strong lately, that it really shook me up. I spent all day idealizing what it would have been like to have gone back and lived with Tino's parents at their mountain shamba (farm) on the foothills of Kili, helping around the house, staying fit, and bonding with his family. Tino would visit from Arusha on the weekends. His sister in law that lives there too, who is a spunky beauty from Kenya, just gave birth yesterday and it would have been great to be there with her, and to share our experiences. An opportunity I am not sure when I will have again. Instead of taking the 5,000 Peace Corps to survive in TZ for my pregnancy, I brought it home, and in a frantic rage to take advantage of opportunities to set up income possibilities (and realize lingering dreams) I spent the money living for a few weeks in San Francisco and getting certified in massage. Then I had no money to go back.
I lamented my drive to do do do.
Of course, Tino was lovely when I called him crying and I really
don't ever want to be apart again.

During our separation, I landed a successful gig as a massage therapist here in Southern California, learning a lot and helping a lot of people with chronic pain. I have Cleared a teaching credential and I can't help but think of what to do next.
I am afraid of being too busy, while I am afraid of not taking advantage of time and opportunity to get ahead. From immigrants to America, I still learn that America is a truly a land of opportunity if you are willing to work hard. This is a positive perspective to what I usually see as a rat race, paying a elephant portion of the paycheck every month on housing, not to mention taxes and healthcare. We are left with toys to distract and put on a credit card.
I don't want to get caught up in this. I don't love shopping enough.
But there is education to take advantage of, though it might mean working of loans for the rest of eternity, and while your chained for an eternity, you might as well buy a house.
I guess today, Monday, I am still lingering in yesterdays lack of security.
In the past, I've had fantasies about going into health care and incorporating my experience and belief in holistic living with allopathic care and international needs. On my way to becoming a teacher and putting Tino through school, I still think about it, especially as I continue to learn about healing through massage.
I wonder sometimes if it would be a waste of time to teach for just a few years, only to start up with school again. When would I actually begin to master a career, changing so often?? When will I have time to raise my son (future children??) in the rural setting that is part of what I love and part of their heritage?
If it takes Tino four to five years to become a nurse, I can work on taking the necessary prerequisites to get into a Nursing course now. By the time he is done, we could both get good jobs in Moshi (hospital and international school respectively), work for a couple of years, before coming back to the states to pursue a Masters in Nursing, renting a little place in Northern California, perhaps. From there, our family could fulfill dreams in any part of the world.
But in doing so we will always sacrificing being somewhere, with someone we love.

As for now, I feel much better getting it out. Often, I am embarrassed to discuss my wishes for the future, fearing that I will fail, or that I am making mis-steps.
But now, I feel strong again. There is nothing like pregnancy: it is the embodiment of possibility. Everything is possible, including, who little Elias will be, how well Tino and I will get on once he gets here, how exhausted I will be, how I might not get a teaching job, and well, basically failure. Failure is an option.
But I have had enough of being a dreamer and not trying to make the dreams come true.
I have wanted to be a language/science teacher in high school with a black international husband and a cute son. I have wanted to be a teacher and teach some yoga classes on the side. I have wanted to experience teaching and go on to work internationally (Medicines sans Frontier) as a health worker.
I have wanted to be a catalyst for someone to come to the United States and show me the beauty of opportunity.
I have wanted to be closer to my family and give more support to my mom.
I have wanted to raise a child while taking classes and doing massage for income.
That will be my next few months.
I have wanted to participate in running a marathon. A half.
By summer time, we will be bonded and happy and healthy as a family, I will be teaching yoga and running a marathon, Tino will have done English prep and will be enrolled to begin his AA, I will have a teaching job, and we will have a workable system of childcare and transportation.
Manifest THIS!