It is exactly 11:37. On my clock, which is relative. I should meditate. Run tomorrow. Maybe that is what I will do. Or should I journal, look for jobs. Another one bites the dust. I lost my massage job today. So Tino, Elias and I went to the park. I made him go to the park with me, he almost bailed on me. I can't lose my job and come home and clean the house. Sit in the house. This is something I needed. Maybe. It is necessary to tell oneself such things in these kinds of times. But it certainly is making forward moving moves more difficult. Of course, I have felt that I have been peddling hard and fast, and getting nowhere. This is proof of that. So, whereas I initially felt that I had a lot of shit to work out, that this was journal time... I don't feel so much that way at this moment. Occasionally I will remember and feel sick to my stomach. But that has been going on for awhile. I have been wrestling with being a crooked person, aware of a dark, dark cloud that seems to have attached itself to me. It is coming between me and the world and makes me see things darker than they are, and to appear to others as darker as I am.

These cloud things can and do exist.

Tino told me today that he met one of our friends on the street. She asked if he had been able to land a job yet and he said no. She got a tear in her eye, and he laughed when he told me the story, "I just couldn't tell her about you too!"
It does have its humorous part too.

Well, I have been crooked, I have doubted myself, questioned myself, been creepy, and fiercely negative. I may have been able to make choices that would have made life easier, but it certainly is about what I do with these choices, and I haven't been proving myself worthy of the blessings so far. This must change. Something is shifting, somewhere between acceptance and perseverance, I am finally learning to be a strong woman.