It is exactly 11:37. On my clock, which is relative. I should meditate. Run tomorrow. Maybe that is what I will do. Or should I journal, look for jobs. Another one bites the dust. I lost my massage job today. So Tino, Elias and I went to the park. I made him go to the park with me, he almost bailed on me. I can't lose my job and come home and clean the house. Sit in the house. This is something I needed. Maybe. It is necessary to tell oneself such things in these kinds of times. But it certainly is making forward moving moves more difficult. Of course, I have felt that I have been peddling hard and fast, and getting nowhere. This is proof of that. So, whereas I initially felt that I had a lot of shit to work out, that this was journal time... I don't feel so much that way at this moment. Occasionally I will remember and feel sick to my stomach. But that has been going on for awhile. I have been wrestling with being a crooked person, aware of a dark, dark cloud that seems to have attached itself to me. It is coming between me and the world and makes me see things darker than they are, and to appear to others as darker as I am.

These cloud things can and do exist.

Tino told me today that he met one of our friends on the street. She asked if he had been able to land a job yet and he said no. She got a tear in her eye, and he laughed when he told me the story, "I just couldn't tell her about you too!"
It does have its humorous part too.

Well, I have been crooked, I have doubted myself, questioned myself, been creepy, and fiercely negative. I may have been able to make choices that would have made life easier, but it certainly is about what I do with these choices, and I haven't been proving myself worthy of the blessings so far. This must change. Something is shifting, somewhere between acceptance and perseverance, I am finally learning to be a strong woman.

baseline

Think, indicate, then move.
Just follow those simple directions, and we will not have the couple's drama in the car every time we go home.
I found tonight that I was not able to simply close my eyes, release, and have faith that my husband would get me home safely. I had to annoy him with my directions, suggestions, and exclamations. How could I have come from such a lovely day, gotten in the car and turned into a monster? Of course, it was all resolved just fine, but on the 57 freeway, I was working very hard to try to find the peace within.
Instead, I found another picture entirely.

Issues...

I never know where to begin. That is one of my issues.
I want to do it all, and say it all, but I find editing cumbersome.

Did someone say they were a little down in the last email? Possibly.

So, although our boy is the epitome of fun, and opened up the bedroom door today and walked all the way down the stairs by himself, at 13 months, smiling broadly the whole way, I will focus on the me this time around.

Uh, guess what? I have problems in my marriage. It isn't perfect. Ok, so now that the cat is out of the bag, the answer to the question, is that yes, it is partly cultural. It's cultural, and it's him, and it's me. There are some cultural stories I could tell, and I wish I had been telling more all along, but there were just so many! And sometimes, so many, it was just kind of embarrassing. Of course, I embarrass myself by saying such a haughty thing, but that is when I go back to saying, sometimes it's him, and sometimes it's me.
Usually, my husband's patience, quiet calm, unwavering goodness and dedication to family, and the fact that he responds to my outbursts with forgiveness and a back rub, or distance and a considerate chore, or quiet that ends in him sitting me down and telling me how it really is, using Swahili proverbs and simple truths. I see him as someone who has two filing drawers: on that will go directly out the window, never to be heard from again, never to be bothered by again, and the other, goes into feeding his soul. If it is not strengthening, he does not seem to use it. That is how I see him. Obviously, an oversimplification of my husband, but still, I do mean to emphasize the simple part of it.
Simple because that is what I longed for. When it came to relationships, I had begun to feel too judgemental, to doubtful, to insecure. I felt that love needed some basic ingredients, and after those were met, it was simply an issue of not letting the doubt come in. Doubt out the window.
So I fell for him, and decided, it was crazy, but we could make it happen.

Sure, that may be the case, but I have been absolutely riddled, RIDDLED I tell you with doubt and regret and longing for something else. Although I asked for precisely this. I asked for challenges.

There is so much material here that would do me well to explore, will I do it on the blog? Perhaps, what is nice is that it is safe, safely stored in the blogosphere where I can reach back in time and check in with my own progress, without having to organize my notes, or back up my files. I would like to think that most of the readership that I had created has fallen off to the wayside after my posts became sparse, and more or less boring.

Anyway,
how about a story?

A story at Tino's expense? Haha. Surely he will get over it....

So he got a car. That is the background. I was totally resistant, and the purchase of the car for a jobless man, married to an underemployed woman seemed totally fucking backwards, impractical and wasteful, and I was diametrically opposed, but he got it, and I said, ok.

One of the first nights he had it, he went out bowling with some neighbors. I ran off to my work to make some quick copies, and when I was driving back down my street, I saw a cop car had pulled someone over. The first thing I thought is, wow, maybe I will read about this in the local paper, I have never seen someone pulled over on this street before! As I pulled past, I noticed Elias's ball in the back seat of the car that had been pulled over. Tino! I stopped and wondered what to do. You can't just interrupt these things. But neither could I just drive on. That is when the second car, backup!, pulled up. I couldn't believe that they had called back up on him! Oh my god, are they taking away the car? are they taking away my husband? deportation? At this point, I got out of the car, and asked a police officer if I could approach, I was the wife, and thus I witnessed Tino performing a drunk test.
He wasn't drunk, though, no. He had been bowling with Evangelists, and had just come from ice cream. He couldn't have had a more wholesome night out, and here he was... DRUNK?! Well, as it turns out, he had been pulled over for, not having his lights on, getting lost and driving erratically, and not pulling over for the cop.
And he was sober.

Was it cultural? Oh, I admit I have had my run ins with bad driving, but the whole thing just felt so very kijiji, as I, once again, used Swahili for lambasting. But in reality, this time, I wasn't even that upset or embarrassed.


Well, that was a fun story, and of course, I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, so I told a friend of mine who lives far away, and I just posted it here, on the blog, for all who look to see. But like a tree falling in the forest, I think the secret is safe with us, right?

Elias walks!

My aunt Sandy and Uncle Tom, who I haven't seen for about 10 years, came to visit. Elias began walking toward the door, me holding his fingers, and we heard him say, "I'm going." Next thing you know, he is walking. He walked well on Easter, we thought that would be the day, but it wasn't. Then in line for A Small World at Disneyland, but he didn't want to keep practicing after a string of successful steps. Now this, this might be it.

Bittersweet, of course. To add to the scenario, it was also Daddy's day: he gave another talk on Africa in a school, then went to a job interview that he was very pleased with at Rancho Santa Ana Botanical Garden, and then took his new car down to Dad's. Pretty good stuff. Myself, I took a test and suffered the day tired and absorbed in depression. Too bad.

The Usual Suspects

Elias is Verbal! Strings of sentences with the intonation of emotion and correct punctuation, followed by giggles and sometimes guffaws, and sounding like Chinese. But he makes more sense in our languages, and is like a parrot really. He even busted me the other day for saying J-E-S-U-S. Ooops. Most famously, he says "Obama." His favorite word, because he gets more attention for that than, Mama, Dadda, and Hi combined. So we took him to see the President the other day, when Barack Obama came to visit Pomona. Michelle Obama is putting a school garden into the White House, and every time I hear any news of the this wonderful family, I am proud.
Anyway, he has said it to much, Tino finally told him that the word has expired and he needs to find another name... Elias promptly responded, "Kobe." So my mom was happy.
Several things he can name in both Swahili and English- though I think he still gets a little confused. He knocks on a door if we say "Knock-Knock" and also says "Hodi!" He will say "baby" but also "toto", he says dog and mbwa (which actually sounds a lot like the woof-woof, which I'd never realized before goes with my oniomipea theory of Swahili, but Elias does a good and distinctive woof-woof apart, when he is feeling goofy.) He says tree and mti, so similar I think he doesn't get the difference, and he says, tweet tweet for bird, which he doesn't seem to confuse, even though the birds are often in the trees.) Today he said 'boy'' and pointed to a picture of a boy in his nursery rhyme book. He loves his new Elmo book, and although he still needs to be prompted, says his name. This past week I think he has been missing his daycare, because he will suddenly come up with 'Hola.' He woke up on Wednesday, stood up in his crib, and said Hola to us. I could of sworn it was followed by Como estas? But, regardless, he obviously derives much joy from the word, which I think speaks to how much he enjoys his school. We all love the bright orange daycare. I must get them another docena of tamales. Everywhere we go, he points to a light and says 'Taa!' Which is correct, and we just really aren't bothering to teach him another word at this point. So it is with other perfect swahili words, "kuku' for chicken, ''saa' for clock. Its just easier. But all words will come. He says nyota. But I am sure that he understands "star' as well. I mean, here I am just going down my mental list, but it really is so amazing to observe the parroting capacity that we have as humans. If this pace of learning were to keep up.... man! But I am sure it does, which is exactly what becomes the problem. Learning, teaching, discussing, playing, resting, enjoying. Can we do this forever?

Another memorable day...

Elias went to the hospital again yesterday. Daddy sang Happy Birthday for him in the morning (11 months) and later in the afternoon, it was his turn to ride in the ambulance with him. Now we are even, and lets pray that we are done!
The two of them were on the bike, riding downtown on a sunny day. They started the trip and Elias was singing in the backseat, but by the time Tino approached the colleges, he heard the baby grun and choke and looked around to find the blue lips and shaking body that terrify. Daddy quickly tore off baby's helmet and clothes and put him on the cool grass and called for help. Daddy had no cel phone at that moment, but luckily, everyone else in the world does, so it wasn't long before the ambulance was on the way. I feel a little like a schmuck. Partly I heed the words of doctors that some babies just seize easily, but partly I feel like a negligent parent. He is healthy now, healthy as a horse, but that doesn't change the fact that a day after this scare, I am home with Elias cleaning, and he crawls over to the wall and starts trying to plug the vacuum cleaner in! Sheesh! Then, crawls up four stairs to reach me while I am moving things upstairs. Ha ha. I think phew, crisis averted, but nooo. The fun has just begun...
Other fun things Eli has done this past week, he sings the tune of "No more monkeys jumping on the bed" and he shakes his finger like the Dr.
He woke Rhyan up and smiled at her and said, "Hello!"
He says "Hi" and "Mambo" "Poa" a lot, says bottle often when he wants a bottle and is pointing to family members by name.
Now, this isn't ALL the time, but he does it, has done it, and it is amazing to see what he is capable of. It doesn't surprise me that he can understand complex swahili and complex english at the same time, actually. But it is the third language of Spanish that I wonder about and was recently warned about.
Elias's favorite toys are, putting the tiny caps on ball point pens, drawing with them, playing the flute, putting the shapes in the right hole (still a challenge, but he gets into it!). I feel satisfied because although he gets frustrated, it seems to be a sign of pride and determination with his work, but it doesn't seem to be overriding his efforts. I am so glad.

Another thing I find interesting is that Elias's tendency is to put things together (like the pens) and to put things back (he likes to put things in a box, his toys in a basket, to file books back on the shelf.)
I am not saying that he won't create chaos, and certainly, I expect him to be a typical child with toys that are always in the middle of a game, and so, in the middle of the floor. But I am interested to see how this initial tendency might play out for him. The deal I made with him anyway was that he would have to help me keep it together if he came into the world as my son. Son, you will be the one who gets me places on time.

This is the challenge I lay upon myself in the coming week, as a tangible change I can make now that will dramatically effect my life. GOOD LUCK!

We love you Eli, you are so much fun to be with !!

Tino likes to say that Elias always wakes up with a new idea. It is amazing to watch that clothes and pajamas that fit him yesterday, I was squeezing him into last night. When he wakes up, he calls to us, and stands up in his crib, peaking over the rim, smiling at us. He eats well and sleeps well and grows well and at 10 months no longer fits into his 18 mos pajamas. And he always wakes up with a new idea. He has always smiled sweetly at his stuffed animals, but now he picks them up and cradles them! He likes to repeat what we say, and, while I thought we would be using the sign, or the word for milk in whatever language, he now distinctly says 'bottle.'
We are so lucky, again and again. Not only is Elias the healthiest baby, he is the happiest, and whenever we go out, he is filled with smiles and songs. When it comes to mealtime, he will eat anything, but he needs to feed himself or be fed only what we are eating. He's a big boy. His favorite finger food right now is peas or edamame.
We read to him of course... all the time, and his favorite books are:
Brown Bear, its a favorite for all of us. He loves to hear it, but you can't trick him and read it twice! Since he was a few months old and we would read it, as soon as you start up again with Brown Bear, Brown Bear, he would shut the book on you! He slaps the pages to the rhythm of the book, he will imitate a 'woof woof' and a 'meow' and sometimes a 'quack quack' but not consistently yet, and he will point to what I point to, but not what I say. I feel like pretty soon I will say 'Point to the yellow duck,' or 'Point to the nose,' or 'What does the dog say?' and he will be able to answer all of these.
He has a wonderful sense of humor, and when he goes to bed at night, I'll put him in his crib and we will smash out faces against the mesh walls and give each other kisses and giggle. I don't get to put him to bed every night, we all get a chance, even Grammy sometimes. I put the puppy to bed four nights a week, and its a total treat. We do our bath ceremony, massage, reading, playing in the crib, and then we say a prayer of gratitude and love for the world.

Thanks Elias for putting me to bed right.