Oh your mamas rich, and your daddy's good lookin!

Last night the family went downtown to watch a friends band, The Sugar Mountain Mamas, play outdoors. The night was warm, the moon was purdy, and kids splashin away in the fountains all around. So many kids and babies, yikes! Two of the band members have babies, a 6 mo. old and a 1 mo. old. Elias is such a late night partier, and ladykiller, it is ridiculous. Besides making the mamas squeal with his devious dimples, he shared a kiss with a doe eyed three year old named Chloe. Oh they were so cute, he just kept looking at her and smiling big and trying to touch her, which she liked, but bashfully pointed to the waterfall. Then she looked up at him and touched his cheek, ever so softly with the back of her hand. That was it. Elias leaned in for the kiss, and it was wet and sloppy and tongue and everything!
Mama would've taken her camera out if she hadn't been orchestrating the whole thing, smooth guy lean in and all. hehe.

Well life is beautiful, and short.

Eight years with an asshole for a president have gone by quickly, 14 years since I went off to college have gone, where have they gone?

Anyway, I'm not much in a philosophy mood, and no new pictures to post. I'm in no position to whine, and really, there is nothing brand new to celebrate. But there are too many things that happen and they happen quickly and I just want to get some of them down for myself.
In fact, it would do me well to re-read some of my old messages.

I was having a very hard time about a week ago. Tonight I heard Kate Winslet describe the feeling of a broken heart to Jack Black, (you figure out the movie.) Its not the first time a broken heart has been described. If I were to describe the sensation I was feeling all week, I wonder if I would be describing the feeling of longing, or regret, or geographical separation, lost time, or what, but I tell you its something akin to ants crawling around under the skin. This is going on in conjunction with being nauseous and unable to eat.
How could I have spent to much time trying to prepare for a job that I can't get?
A whole year of preparing, trying to set up a good future, when it may have been the last time to give birth and raise an infant under the banana trees, with my buddies still around in country??

Spent the year in preparation I did. Miss a good opportunity to be in Tanzania I did.
But I am sure that I would have gone through my usual swings of insecurity and not sure if I was doing all that I possibly could to set up a good future.
Anyway, I knew that the best way for me to end up in that situation was to come back to the States and really accomplish something first. That to go back and have number two in Tanzania, in 5 years, hopefully, was the plan.
Set up the house, and be chill.
I don't see how we will be able to be in a position to take time off in 5 years, but if I tell myself now that this is the goal, it doesn't hurt so bad.

I fell in love with Tino, and made the decision not to look back.
After we made it, after we spent a few years together and proved this thing could work, thats when I want the wedding.
Yeah, thats usually why people live together and wait to have kids. That and its ridiculous financially.
But I was afraid that if I didn't commit myself fully, then there would always be a way to escape, and I saw my dreams line up on this man. There was no reason in the world, other than being illogical! that I shouldn't be with Tino.
I know me, and I doubt too much.
Tino proves himself time and time again to be a steller lover, a fuckin good daddy, a loyal, cheerful and hardworking husband, and a spiritual rock. My commitment to him has redoubled.
My mom has continued to be essential perfection, and I am totally in awe of her, and frankly embarrassed that I haven't worshiped her more thoroughly and done everything I can to be just like her.
She is fun, funny, wise, forgiving, giving, loving and beautiful.
Elias is perfect.
I am the crack head in the house, o yes I am.
When it became obvious that a teaching job was not going to happen, I began to spiral downward fast. I lashed out at everyone with bitterness and hostility. I regretted everything. I missed Bjarke, I regretted the phone call I took from the Peace Corps, when the asked me when I wanted to go. I still didn't know where, but if I had said a different when.
IF IF IF.
It is so AMAZINGLY useless.
I had waffled, wanting to study ag, or education, or health care (and then the question was, public health or nursing)
o my god have I waffled for years.
That was why I WENT to the Peace Corps (if only I had gone earlier...! bah!) and came home with, of course! the same problem.
A Global Public Health course is not far from here, but I kept thinking of any excuse why I should do something harder.
The thing is, my decisions did what I suppose I had somehow hoped- they pushed me to a wall and when I realized that this was a good option that was still available to me, you wouldn't believe that physical feeling of ants, gone.
The feeling of shukurani, of appreciation, of gratitude swept through me like the golden sun of dawn, and it felt so good.
I hadn't felt that in long enough.
That day at work I made loads.


Oh my oh my, I have a lot of practice that I need to do on living better!