It made me very depressed.
My son is perfect love in the core of my body.
My heart pains, my mind pains, my thighs grow fat,
but he is nothing but positive dreams, kicking gently to remind me.
And when I cannot feel him,
I feel fear.
Not being able to have solid, reliable communication, NOT TO HAVE TOUCH, with Augustino drives me mad. But I hold on tight, and relish the treasures.
Two nights ago, I had the delicious pleasure of hanging out with two of the sweetest boys who served as Peace Corps volunteers in Tanzania while I did.
Scott, Jacob and I
Every day devirginization. That has been my motto in the past, and it felt good to pass it on to a friend. First time for Tapas, first time for saki, (no I didn't partake) first time to touch a pregnant belly, and Elias immediately started kicking.
We sat through the Kite Runner, and although I cried so hard during the book I could barely make out the letters on the page, with his sweet hand on my belly, I was all aglow and not but a sniffle during the movie.
(Usually during most movies I am a silly sobbing wet sponge, so to not cry during Kite Runner was either Jacob's blessing, or due to the bad acting.)
Other friends I have heard from include a Zambian god who I met randomly at an ag. expo then re-met randomly on facebook, and a touching email from a South African comic genius that I grew to adore during my time in Morogoro, TZ (he was teaching at the University). He read my blog and I hope he doesn't mind if I post his encouraging words below.
"so. i met up with albert on his way through dc this week and during our catchup he mentions your mail. i said yes, i'd seen it. and then says, no did you REALLY see it. and told me to check out your blog and that you were pregnant. i rarely read blogs (i'm losing my relaxed african-ness and increasingly adopted the rushed anal western approach that puts work above all else) and so didn't make an exception for yours. but my utter disbelief at albert's words made me look at the blog with the usual emotions of pity or "tough lesson learned" aimed at your direction. and what do i find instead? probably one the most empowering courageous examples of motherhood i've probably ever seen. i know you were an empowered strong female figure - but in a single unfettered way that i could never imaging you married or with child. it seems you have taken that in your stride and make mothering look like it probably should be (and was intended).
so, i say wow. and congratulations. and not really sure what else except "you, go girl".
c
p.s. if you keep the good writing up, i'll keep reading your blog."
The blog itself is a touch of journal and a touch of 'keeping in touch.'
Some of the reasons why I wasn't blogging in Tanzania was that every time I felt I truly had a story to share, like riding a motorcycle (illegal!) to a remote vanilla village where I have since dreamed of buying property, or taking an unpermitted trip, doing whatever unconventional project that didn't follow regulations etc etc, I was in constant danger of my blog being used against me...hahaha or the US government.
So I began here with the goal of scathing honesty.
But there are still lines that can be crossed.
How personal can I be?
What is too revealing, inappropriate? How. much. can. I. say. of. other. people?
I guess these are guidelines that I myself set. There are no internet laws, and internet etiquette, not a class I have yet taken.
I am disappointed in myself. My flabby thighs and my wandering mind.
I have now spent more time apart from Tino pregnant than we ever had together as lovers. I am a California girl, with all the opportunities in the world. Those opportunities create certain expectations, and I had begun to adopt the easy expectations of life in a village, where falling in love and starting a family are as natural and uncomplicated as the daily chores. Will we be able to survive together? Will I resent him, because to him, this whole situation, having a white and wealthy wife is his dream come true, prayers answered, unfailingly better than anything else, with the opportunity to come to the US and study.
Back there, it was that simple for me too.
But now I find myself afraid of the very judgment and doubt that I try so hard to avoid.
With Tino, I put the questions and the doubt on hold to allow myself to fall in love.
There will never, I thought, be a relationship that I am not ANALYZING.
Why not take this one? So true, so pure. It has the essence of everything we need, the integrity, the joy, the chemistry, the magic, the memories, shared goals. All the other challenges, cultural, financial, geographical, educational, they will be the mountains that we love to climb together.
Instead of picking apart another California boy out of boredom,
or tearing down myself because I don't measure up,
I made a decision to settle with a man with whom I felt beautiful, loved, appreciated, and confident.
But towards the end, I was anxious to get home. I was anxious to be close to family again, to see my brother in love and married, to spend time with my mother, to have a smoothie in a to-go cup, to smell the Pacific Ocean, go swing dancing, and to tell the family my news. I was pregnant and I couldn't wait to be big. Everything would work out and I wanted it all to start NOW!
After 5 months of being in California (is that all!!!??? How short it really is!!)
I am finally round, but there seems to be nothing that is closer to being known.
Will my baby be healthy and safe? Will I be able to fulfill my own goals and provide for him, being a good wife and mother? I felt for so long that I had everything in the world to offer. Now I wonder if I am really just a bitter woman. Have I gotten pregnant out of boredom? Because I didn't feel like I had ever created anything else worth while in my life, I made a baby~ might as well try that.
Daily Devirginization.
Haven't had a baby yet...
DOUBT!
Doubt is the only hindrance.
This Buddhist saying is signed to the bottom of every email I send.
Doubt is MY only hindrance it should say. It has begun to fill me and I cannot even feel Elias.
I think it will be good for me to get back to Tanzania, even if that puts us 'behind.'
Maybe Tino could have gotten here and started school while I was home with the baby, and we would take evening walks as he got to know California, and I helped him perfect his English.
But the reality is, after birthing here alone (I meet with a great woman who I hope to hire as my doula on Tuesday. She crochets plastic purses, a hobby I long wanted to start in TZ, her name is Juanita. She is bilingual. maybe a water birth, maybe a hospital birth. What family will be there and who do I want??) Then I will have six, to hopefully no more than 8 weeks of nursing and taking walks with my baby, and I will be on a plane back to TZ. Parents may join me. Will they attend a Chagga wedding, or a traditional Tanzanian one, replete with pink balloons and tapestries, and no smiling from the bride and groom? Then family will leave and I will stay until Tino's visa clears. Will it months? A year? Will I get a good job and we will stay on? Will we live in a room in a village together, where it will be like the Peace Corps all over again, but this time, I will have a baby on my back, and no prestigious org backing me? Maybe it will be the perfect opportunity to start off motherhood, without the congestion of cars and pressure from the States. Time to allow my husband to take care of me. Allow me to spend time nursing my son in his infancy. Time to make quilts, have a garden, and engage in development projects that I loved, or was never able to accomplish while I was busy doing other things. Maybe I will have time to take distance courses, like Biology, or an Ayurvedic course, and volunteer in a clinic. Maybe I will be a doula.
I hope to come home with a deep bond with my family, and a sense of well used time. I hope to come back to a job as a Spanish teacher, and/or Health teacher, and be able to spend enough time with my son and my family. I hope to earn enough money to pay for Augustino's schooling, pay off my debts, and pay rent, put double paned windows in my mom's house and buy her a new fridge. I hope to work for several years and love it, while preparing myself to enter grad school when Tino is done. I hope to be able to travel in the summers and/or winters with him and the baby.
I hope to keep a healthy mind and body throughout, and go to school to be a Nurse Practitioner. I hope to collaborate with Tino as we work towards improving health in TZ. I hope to collaborate with the Universities, to improve health education in TZ.
I hope to have some land and collaborate with others to offer a refuge for the sick and dying and their families. Here they would learn to connect to one another, to better take care of themselves and each other, to heal emotionally and make the transition peacefully to a better life or to death. I hope that this land will be able to serve the needs of farmers who can improve their lives, health care workers who can be better trained, foreign students who are looking for innovation and inspiration, healers who are looking for a new way to use their talents, volunteers and tourists who are looking for a way to be with people, and AID organizations who are looking for grassroots projects that work. That or travel the world with my family working on various health projects. Live in Cuba and Mozambique.
Most of all, I hope for satisfaction with myself.
I hope for true love and mutual admiration in my family.
I hope that the distance I feel between my brother and I can be bridged, and a loving relationship will develop with my sister in law.
I hope to not live life with a chip on my shoulder, because I am pissed off that I am not good enough.
I hope to be satisfied with who I am enough that I can be excited about the rest of the world, and not afraid of it.
Now, able to have avoided the scathing truths, I feel satisfied for the night.
Blessings and Happy New Year.
