It is December 12, 2010. My dad and Laurie just got back from Tanzania, a Peace Corps caliber journey they had. A quick phone call informed me that John has diabetes and Jubilathi has Parkinsons. We are, what now? 14 weeks pregnant? I had a fever of 102 off and on for about three days, so beside everything else to worry about, has an otherwise healthy baby been affected by some brain damage or other "birth defect"? We confirmed there is a heartbeat, so my greatest concern has been put to rest. But my goodness, deep down, I somehow feel invincible. Invincible enough to think that likely, nothing has happened, all will be well. And if something has, I am (we are) invincible enough to handle it.
Deep down, I am not sweating bullets, I am not obsessing. For better or for worse, that is just the way I am I guess. Does it make me less of a mother? Phoey on such thoughts.
But there are somethings that I've wanted to update about Amani's progress. What I should post here are some of his drawings. Beautiful drawings, his focus is so rewarding to observe. But just now, what he said inspired me to open this blog up again, who to tell? Facebookies?
Amani is peeling of the crayon wrappers again, and I am telling him not to, again. I tell him why, that the crayons will break, he will dirty the house. He interupts to say, "Mama, remember when I was peeling the crayons yesterday?" Yes, I do. "And I told you to stop talking to me?" Yes, I do (hoping he would acknowledge that "that wasn't nice").
"Stop talking to me." he says with a wry smile.
Ouch, I frown and get online to share my mothers pride at his wit.
Things Amani says these days: He still says "Fiskit" instead of Fix it, which I love!
He says Buzz Lighter, and quotes "To infinity and beyond!"
Today we said "reach" and he remembered woody, and quoted, "Reach by the sky." "For the sky" "No, by the sky"
ok.
His constant companion is Luca, which is wonderful, but they are certainly learning how to be mischevious together. He follows everything she does, and as she is 3 and a half, and her mama has already stated that she can see Luca being the one to hand her buddies joints when she is older, "C'mon! What are you afraid of?" I too relish the thought of my son's preserved innocence and total corruption by this older woman. They are a wonderful play team, Luca is very good to Amani, looks after him and definitely shows how much she loves him. We sometimes think they act like an old married couple, being mindlessly considerate of each other, and then bickering like dogs.
Amani began Preschool this year at Gravenstein, which was a big adjustment, but he seems to be doing quite well. What I am still hoping (trying) to do is to reach out to some parents and have play dates with his buddies at school, so he might feel better adjusted there.
He also still goes to Carmen's, but I really miss having Kique there.
Tino has finished his Phlebotomy course, but waiting for final results. So far, it is close, will he have to repeat, or not? Either way, I truly think he did a fantastic job. The job itself, if and when it comes, would certainly tie us to here, but my goodness, here isn't such a bad place to be.
I still often mention, "lets just go to Tanzania." But it is hard to compromise our life here. I also still regret, especially pregnant the second time around, after promising number to would be THERE, and it doesn't look like it will, I regret not having spent more time with Tino's family the first time around. Anna has already passed and never met Amani. Jubilathi and John, not doing well.... Its tough, this is intercontinental life. I don't know when we will get back. Next year? Next decade?
Amani just kissed my belly.
The sweetness and the blessings outweigh so much of the rest. But I fear it is "out of sight, out of ... mind."
It isn't on my mind so much, it is in the back of my mind. Perhaps seeing Dad's pictures will change that, but likely, nothing will be done. Tino is the one who is making the decisions these days on when to stay and when to go.
We are waiting for his citizenship, this is wise. We are penniless, and without jobs there. Moving unwise. So I have become obsessed with building onto our house, building the greenhouse, getting ducks and turkeys in the spring, baby goats, more eggs and chickens, spending time relaxing here after the baby is born. What do I mean relaxing? i mean, puttering around the property, hiking around the land, spending time digging in the dirt, and being with a new baby, breastfeeding as long as possible. Will we make it to Tanzania? If not, when will I be able to see Saidi?
If so, when will we come back? Will I work? Part time teach again? Make enough consulting for MESA? haha- dream dream.
It is different this time around. I was so strong last pregnancy. Now I am surrounded by support. I still have lots of deadlines, I am still studying, but this time it feels focused, not desperate. It feels purposeful and rewarding, not nerve wracking.
I like my work with MESA, and expect to graduate, but then what? What will I do? Keep teaching... ? will I work in general non-profit development? In ag? In health? Hard to know, but lots of work to do in the meantime, that I've hardly time to worry about these things. I have a general sense of faith. What we have now is delightful. There are many years of life to be lived, and life changes, indeed, it is guaranteed to do so, for our family sometime around June 2011.
